How to learn to love yourself: Practical tips that work
“Love yourself.”
This often sounds like a vague piece of advice people throw around.
So, what does it really mean?
Coming from someone who’s had my fair share of struggles in loving myself, this question led me to a book called Learning to Love Yourself by psychologists Dr. Gay Hendricks and Dr. Kathleen Hendricks.
They give clear, simple actions that can actually help you shift how you feel about yourself. I’ve found that combining these with meditation practices makes them even more powerful—and it’s not as complicated as you might think.
Start with self-awareness
“You can’t change what you don’t notice,” says Gay Hendricks. So the first step in loving yourself is becoming aware of your inner dialogue. I believe meditation is the best tool for this.
Just sit for a moment and begin paying attention to your thoughts and feelings without trying to stop them. Pay special attention to what comes up when you think about yourself or something you want. You’ll quickly start seeing the patterns of how you talk to yourself.
My wake-up call came when I wrote down something I truly wanted for myself, and sat for a moment paying attention to all the inner voice’s rebuttals. I immediately wrote them down. What came next was shocking: I filled an entire page with brutal, bullying words. That’s when I realized just how harsh my inner critic was, and that was a big turning point for me.
Over time, I’ve been able to start recognizing these patterns when they show up, and begin to change them—and so can you.
Practice self-acceptance
Once you’re aware of your thoughts, the next step is self-acceptance. Kathleen Hendricks says, “Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation, it means acknowledging where you are without judgment.” Meditation is a powerful way to build self-acceptance.
Here’s how to do this effectively: Whenever you’re meditating, and thoughts about your flaws or imperfections arise, instead of creating resistance or trying to stop them, practice accepting the thoughts: “I’m having these thoughts.”
Often, the painful truth we find in meditation is that we treat ourselves worse than we would a close friend, and I could see that in my own experience. Remind yourself that they are just thoughts, not necessarily truths or reality, because once you’ve built self-awareness, it’s equally important to flip the script.
Now you can invite new thoughts in: “I am worthy of love just as I am, right now.” Remember, you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of self-love. And meditation allows you to witness your thoughts without getting swept up in them, creating space for acceptance.
Cultivate self-compassion
Self-compassion is another essential ingredient to loving yourself. The Hendricks remind us that “The way you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.” During meditation, you can practice self-compassion by using a loving-kindness technique. Send yourself positive intentions like, "May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I love and be loved."
If you’ve been hard on yourself for years like I was, this might feel strange at first. But just as you would offer kindness to a friend, you deserve to treat yourself with that same level of care. Over time, you’ll notice that as your self-compassion grows, so does your ability to show up for others from a place of love.
Be patient with yourself
Learning to love yourself is a lifelong journey, and meditation can be your best ally along the way. It doesn’t take much time to practice self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-compassion in mini-meditative moments throughout your days, but the outcome is spectacular. You’ll gradually begin to quiet that inner critic and build a more loving relationship with yourself.
Truly, loving yourself is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give to the people you care about, as it not only impacts your own well-being but that goodness multiplies and ripples out to everyone else around you.
