First-time father anxiety: 3 tips for new dads

Last month, I celebrated 22 years of being a parent, which is a funny way of saying we celebrated our oldest child’s 22nd birthday. I was a young parent—I remember carrying my seven-month-old daughter in my arms while I crossed the graduation stage to receive my college degree. And like any new parent, I experienced waves of different powerful emotions moment by moment on a daily basis, from bliss and wonder to anxiety and fear, including all points in between. (Fun fact: The ups and downs never really go away—we just hopefully get better at navigating them).  

Fast-forward 22 years and three more kids later, there are many things I wish I could go back and share with the young father that I once was. I’m sharing a few of them with you now. 

1. Communication is key.

One of the most important things I would share with my younger self is the importance of communication, both internal and external in finding my way through the journey of being a new dad. 

When I say internal communication, I’m referring to how we talk to ourselves—our mental dialogue. We all have some form of internal chatter going on. Sometimes, it’s very loud, and sometimes, it’s very subtle. No matter the volume, this voice is a function of our minds trying to process and make sense of the world around us. 

Unfortunately, due to our evolutionary negativity bias, which once served to help us avoid real-life dangers in the wild, our internal voice tends to focus on the negative and can be quite cruel. As a new dad, I often dealt with feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, and the voice in my head was very loudly telling me I wasn’t doing things the right way or that I was failing in my role as a parent. It added an extra layer of stress to everything, which led to me feeling burnt out and even depressed at times. 

2. Practice self-compassion.

When this happens, a simple mental hack I like to use is to think about how you might speak to a friend or a loved one who is feeling how you’re feeling. Whatever you would say to them, say to yourself. 

When you notice your mind is veering into negative self-talk, you can take a deep breath and simply reframe the narrative. You have the power to decide to be more kind and accepting of yourself. Even if there’s something you need to improve, you can encourage yourself from a place of love and care. Practicing self-compassion by developing a kind, encouraging, and supportive inner voice is key to maintaining a healthy, less stressful parenting journey. 

3. Be honest.

Externally, it’s just as important to communicate how you’re feeling with people you care about and can really trust—whether that is your partner, a mental health professional, a close friend, or a loved one. I know many fathers who choose to suffer in silence when they are experiencing difficult emotions, challenging parenting situations, or just facing the ups and downs of everyday life.

It doesn’t and shouldn’t have to be this way. 

There’s no shame or weakness in speaking up for yourself, sharing your needs, expressing your boundaries, and being honest about your feelings. Making a habit of checking in with yourself, noticing how you’re feeling, and then sharing with someone trustworthy, is a practice that will support your journey as a parent and as a human being throughout your life. It’s always okay to talk to someone.

As my kids have gotten older, I have found that it’s been really important to communicate with them how I’m feeling—in age-appropriate ways, of course. I share with them my triumphs but also moments when I’m not having the best day. I think it’s important for me to model that parents are human beings, too, who don’t have everything figured out, and how to share with the people you love what’s going on in your life.

Overcoming first-time father anxiety

Whether it’s how you speak to yourself or sharing your ups and downs with the people you care about, communication is key to parenting. I wish you well on your parenting journey today and always. 

Much love.