How to navigate family tension around the holidays
Let’s skip the appetizers and get right to the elephant in the room: This is a very complicated time to be a human being on planet earth.
Whether you're focused on what's happening locally, globally, or somewhere in between, there's no denying that emotions are running high these days. Add in the holidays with their close-knit family gatherings, and it’s easy to see why anxiety levels can skyrocket.
Each one of us brings something to the table during the holidays: Our famous recipes, our delightful drinks, and our strong opinions. This upcoming holiday season seems particularly vulnerable to uncomfortable conversations and encounters with family members who might see the world differently than we do. The good news? We can enjoy everything that’s good about the holidays, food, fun, and, yes, family—if we resource ourselves ahead of time.
Here are three tips for a stress-free holiday season with family:
1. Set the tone in advance
Clear communication is our best friend when taking steps to avoid potential conflict. A simple group text or email to everyone who will be gathering for the holidays requesting that certain hot topics (like politics, global conflicts, or family drama) be considered off-limits can go a long way in protecting the joyful aspects of holiday get-togethers. It doesn’t mean there will be a 100% success rate, but it does give everyone attending a home base to return to if conversations begin to veer elsewhere.
It may not be enough, however, to simply suggest that family members not talk about certain things. You can take it a step further and share some ideas on what you’d like to talk about: what you are most proud of yourselves for, what each of you is looking forward to in the new year, and planning future get-togethers, among other things. Setting the tone in advance can be a great way to ensure that things stay on track as you celebrate the holidays.
2. Find a buddy
Some families, no matter how well-intentioned, just can’t help getting into difficult or unpleasant territory after spending enough time together. It can be helpful, then, to ditch the macro and go micro: Find a buddy within your family that you can make a pact to stay out of the fray and simply enjoy the day.
This can increase the bond you already share or forge new bonds with a family member you might not always have an opportunity to be close with.
3. Mindfulness is your friend
The beauty of mindfulness is that it is there to support you in literally every circumstance. Whether it’s taking deep breaths to bring you back to a state of calm, regulating your nervous system when you feel triggered by someone’s words or actions, or recognizing strong emotions within you and resourcing yourself by feeling your connection to the firm ground beneath you, giving you a sense of stability before reacting.
One of the things we recognize in our regular mindfulness practice is that everything is always changing—thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions move through the mind and body like clouds in the sky. That means we can also remind ourselves that “this too shall pass“ if we feel stuck in an uncomfortable family situation. This can help us to reduce our anxiety or strong emotions and simply ride out the temporary situation we find ourselves in as best we can.
Mindfulness can also help us practice self-compassion. If we feel uncomfortable or unhappy in a family setting over the holidays, self-compassion can help us care for ourselves in those moments. Maybe it’s time to speak up for ourselves, or maybe it’s time to set a boundary and disengage. Maybe a little bit of both. Whatever the best thing to do for yourself in any given situation is, mindfulness and self-compassion can help guide the way.
I hope these tips help you navigate the tricky terrain of holiday gatherings with family. Remember, if all else fails, you can go to another room, put in your earbuds, and meditate for five minutes with the Balance app. We’ve got your back, always.
Happy holidays and much love.
