Empathy for kids: How to raise compassionate people

I’ve been a dad for a while now. 22 years, to be exact. 

As a father of four kids of different ages, raised in different times, one of the biggest goals for my wife and I has been raising kind, caring, and compassionate children—both to themselves and others. I’m proud to say that, while it's always a work in progress, we’ve got some pretty sweet and thoughtful kids. Some of it comes down to luck, but I believe much of it is due to the values we've built as a family over the years.

Here are a few approaches to raising kind and compassionate children that have worked for us.

1. Be the example 

We are our children’s first teachers. A therapist once told me, “The actions witnessed are the lessons learned.” Our kids look to us as models for how to behave. How we speak and act shows them how to engage with the world. Practicing kindness and respect—toward ourselves, our kids, and others—not only creates a more enjoyable life but also shows our kids that kindness is the best response to life’s uncertainties. Every smile, hug, gentle word, and effort to move through conflict peacefully matters.

But it’s not always easy. 

Many of us were raised with different values, which can make leading with kindness harder than we’d like to admit. That’s where self-compassion comes in. We may not always succeed in breaking old habits, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep trying—and give ourselves grace in the process.

2. Use teachable moments 

Conflicts are inevitable and start early—whether it's with a sibling, a classmate, or a friend on the playground. When my kids come to me with problems, I do my best to honor their feelings, letting them express themselves fully. Once they’ve shared, I might ask how they think the other person feels. My hope is that they learn not to get stuck in their point of view and consider others’ feelings, even if the other person is in the “wrong.”

When they’re having a hard time on their own, like struggling with homework or feeling down, I encourage them to practice mindfulness and self-compassion. I ask them to notice how they’re feeling, sometimes even suggesting they imagine their feelings have a color or shape. They usually resist this approach, but I do it casually to plant the seed and give them tools to reflect.

3. Patience, communication, and repair

Dr. Becky Kennedy’s book Good Inside reminds us that each one of us, especially our children, is good inside. We all want happiness and want to avoid suffering. We may have different ways of expressing this goal, but there is a basic goodness within each of us that we can remind ourselves of and return to whenever we go astray. Remembering that we all have needs that we are seeking to meet in one form or another can give us the strength to be patient when those needs are expressed in ways that cause conflict or challenges. 

If one of my kids wants to play catch with me, but I have to send an email on a deadline, it doesn’t mean that we don’t care about each other‘s needs, it’s just that both needs require our attention at that moment. Letting our children know we care about their needs, even if the timing isn’t right or their request isn’t safe or healthy, shows them that we value their feelings, even when we can’t meet their requests.

Damian Marley once sang, “If you can’t be good, at least be honest to your babies.” I’ve found this helpful in sharing how I’m doing mentally, physically, and emotionally with my kids in an age-appropriate way. It normalizes their feelings and encourages open communication, whether things are good or bad.

Every family faces tough situations, whether we mean to or not, like saying something hurtful or acting without thinking. When conflicts arise, being willing to repair them is key. If I’ve had a hard moment with my youngest and feel I could’ve handled it better, I’ll talk with him once things calm down and apologize. This doesn’t excuse unacceptable behavior, but shows I could’ve responded differently. It also gives him a chance to reflect on his actions. We usually resolve it with a hug and a commitment to do better. Repairing strengthens the love and care we’re building as a family, even when things get tough.

4. Trust the process

Parenting is full of uncertainty, and it’s hard to know if what we’re doing makes an impact. But as someone with two adult children and two pre-teens, I can say our influence as parents matters. What we share with our kids, by example, makes a difference. Watching my kids grow into kind, thoughtful people has been one of my greatest joys, but it often requires trusting the process and letting things unfold. So far, they’ve shown the goodness in their hearts to themselves and others and found ways to repair when conflicts arise. 

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This is a lifelong project, but it’s one I wouldn’t trade for anything.