How to be more secure in yourself

There was a time when I felt incredibly insecure. I constantly sought approval and validation from others before allowing myself to pursue what I wanted. I’d deflect compliments, and when I received praise, I struggled to believe it. 

Vulnerability felt too risky, and I had a hard time being myself at work or around new people.

But I’ve since learned that vulnerability is part of being human. When we allow ourselves to be seen, we build connections. This strengthens our sense of belonging and helps us feel more secure. 

Unroot your insecurities 

Think of your mind, your inner landscape, as a garden. In this garden, you want to grow the fruit of confidence and security. So first, you remove any weeds and pests, clearing space for this growth. Then, you add rich soil, water, and sunlight to nourish what you want to flourish.

Now, picture your insecurities and inner critic as the weeds and pests. To overcome them, you need to find the roots and eliminate what’s feeding them. What do they feed off? Fear. Consider that most of our fears stem from past wounds. So begin reflecting on when those wounds formed for you. As you do this, you may start to realize that your inner critic, the voice that judges you harshly, is actually the wounded child still living within you—afraid of making mistakes, being rejected, or feeling that hurt again. 

This part of you doesn’t function rationally. It clings to past pain as if it’s still happening. Being hypercritical of yourself is its safety mechanism, keeping you from taking risks or being vulnerable. But once you recognize this, you can stop letting that fear control you.

How? 

Killing it off is not the answer. Fighting that fearful inner child with judgment or condemnation doesn’t work either. 

The only way to break through that fear is with compassion and love. 

Become the loving parent or friend that your inner child needs through reassurance and kindness. You’ll find that love really does heal all wounds and helps you feel more secure. 

Stop comparing, start celebrating

Another pest is comparison. It’s been called “the thief of all joy,” and it’s not hard to understand why. Because whether it's social media or real life, we only see a curated version of others' lives, not the whole picture. No one shares their struggles as openly as their successes, so comparison is a losing game every time. The next time you find yourself measuring your worth against someone else’s appearance, lifestyle, or achievements, remind yourself: nobody has it all figured out. 

Instead, shift your focus to your own journey. Celebrate your progress and even your small wins. This reinforces your self-worth and gradually reduces the need for external validation.

Rewrite your inner dialogue

Pay attention to your inner self-talk. When self-criticism or comparison creeps in, question its validity. Replace negative self-judgments with words of kindness, just as you would for a friend. It's helpful to remember at times that even if you made a mess of something, mistakes are a part of being human.

Think of self-compassion as the soil that nurtures your garden. Through re-parenting yourself with kindness, you can become the loving guide you always needed. Being there for yourself in this way builds deep inner security.

Nourish yourself with supportive people & self-care

Water your garden by surrounding yourself with people who uplift and empower you. Supportive friendships and relationships are essential for your confidence and sense of belonging. If you don’t have these people in your life yet, take time to reflect on what you value in relationships. This self-awareness helps you attract the right connections.

Seeking out supportive communities, like meditation groups or wellness circles, can also introduce you to like-minded people who share your values. Plus, when you practice mindfulness and meditation regularly, you increase your self-awareness and can start to recognize when you're being too hard on yourself. 

Becoming secure in yourself

Feeling secure in yourself comes down to unrooting insecurities, stepping away from comparison, practicing self-compassion, and nourishing yourself with supportive people and practices. When you stay mindful of your thoughts and emotions, you gain the power to shift them. This makes it easier to step outside your comfort zone and embrace new challenges. And every time you take a risk and succeed, you reinforce your belief in yourself.

Being secure in yourself doesn’t mean you have it all figured out. Remember, nobody does! But it is about learning to trust and take care of yourself along the way.