How to practice confident parenting when everyone has opinions
The other day, I let my son eat a croissant at a bakery. A stranger nearby said, “I’d never let my child eat that.” A pang of hurt and shame struck me.
I have to admit, this wasn’t the first time I’ve been judged as a parent by someone about a decision I made for my child. If you’re a parent, it’s likely happened to you too—and you may remember the immediate emotions that follow: shame, anger, confusion, sadness, or even resentment. Perhaps the criticism even led to a regrettable altercation or an estranged relationship.
As a meditation teacher, I’ve learned to use my mindfulness tools to help me manage my emotions when judgments fly my way and respond to them with more grace and confidence. So, the next time you’re on the receiving end of such criticism, try the below steps to help prevent that judgment from shaking your inner peace or confidence.
Recognize that judgment is subjective
When someone judges your parenting, remember that their judgment is not an objective truth. It’s simply a reflection of their own perceptions, values, and experiences. Often, their criticism says more about them than it does about you. Psychologists like Carl Jung referred to this as “projection,” where people project their own insecurities onto others. So, if someone’s particularly critical of your parenting style, they may actually be struggling with their own parenting challenges or insecurities.
By recognizing this, you can begin to detach emotionally from the judgment and not take it personally. Perhaps this even allows you to respond with compassion toward that person. By recognizing their humanity, you can defuse your negative emotional reactions.
Practice self-awareness of your reactions
Being judged tends to amplify whatever insecurities you’re already carrying inside. So when this happens, ask yourself: Am I letting someone else’s opinion validate a negative belief I already hold? Am I taking this judgment as a reflection of my worthiness as a parent?
Explore these questions in meditation and in moments of criticism. Instead of reacting impulsively to a judgment, take a moment to observe your emotions and thoughts and then challenge your assumptions. If part of you is feeling wounded, offer that part of yourself compassion and encouragement instead of focusing on a counterattack.
Staying present and breathing with your emotions will help you process them without letting them control you. This develops emotional boundaries that will protect your self-esteem from being influenced by the opinions of others.
A helpful practice is to affirm something like this to yourself: “I don’t need anyone’s approval to be a good parent. I’m enough as I am.” This will untangle you from others’ judgments and strengthen your confidence in yourself.
Distinguish between constructive feedback and harmful judgment
Not all judgment is harmful. Sometimes, feedback can help us grow as a parent. If someone you respect or trust offers constructive feedback, take a moment to reflect: Despite it feeling uncomfortable, is there truth in what they’re saying? Could this feedback help you become a more confident parent? If it’s constructive and given respectfully, take a few breaths and reframe the situation as an opportunity for growth. It might be teaching you about areas where you feel vulnerable or can create more self-acceptance. This will shift you from feeling powerless to feeling empowered by your response to the situation.
However, if the judgment is hurtful, dismissive, or rooted in negativity, it’s important to set internal boundaries around what feedback you accept and the tone or way you’ll receive it. Trust your instincts about what’s actually helpful and what’s just a reflection of someone else’s struggles or biases.
Disrupt judgment when it turns to disrespect
When another’s judgment crosses the line into disrespect or public humiliation, or if their continual criticism is affecting your mental health, it’s crucial to take a stand for yourself.
For example, you might say, “I understand you have your perspective, but I need you to respect that I’m making decisions that work best for my family.” Or, “I’m open to discussing parenting strategies, but it’s important that the conversation remains respectful and not critical.” Or even, “I feel uncomfortable when my parenting is criticized. Can we please focus on supporting each other rather than judging one another?”
Taking a stand can feel uncomfortable, but remember, not everyone has to like you or agree with your parenting style. As a parent, your top priority is to take care of your child in the best way you know how not to seek approval from others.
Compassion is the antidote to judgment
When judgment makes you feel inadequate, double down on giving yourself compassion. Instead of being hard on yourself, remind yourself that no parent is perfect and everyone faces judgment at some point. Self-compassion means accepting that, yes, you’re flawed, and you’re doing your best for your child.
Loving-kindness meditation can help you cultivate compassion for yourself and challenging individuals. For example, you might tell yourself, “It’s okay to feel hurt right now. I’m doing the best I can, and I deserve kindness.”
Being a parent can already be an emotional rollercoaster without the layer of judgments added on. But by recognizing that judgment is subjective, practicing self-awareness, setting boundaries, and cultivating self-compassion, you can build your confidence and parent in a way that feels right for you.
Ultimately, remember that your worthiness as a parent is not defined by others’ opinions.
